Dear Mr. President Obama,
Driving back from my ex-wife’s house this weekend, I learned from NPR that Justice Souter is retiring. To get directly to the point, as Winston Churchill, a great leader (like yourself) though not a great American (unlike yourself), purportedly put it, you’ve got a lot of issues to deal with at the moment. Recession, credit crisis, budgets, bailouts, healthcare – ring a bell? The last thing you need is another monkey on your back. Now since I also learned that there are no actual qualifications for appointment to the Supreme Court, I’ve got a proposition for you because, let’s face it, you’re going to need all the friends you can get. Ready? Here it is: give me the nomination nod.
So you’re probably thinking why would this guy ever even want to be on the Supreme Court in the first place. Well, having been unemployed now for nearly two years, I think I understand a thing or two about hardly working and the opportunity to have lifetime employment from which you can’t get laid off is, frankly, pretty darned appealing to me. Who wouldn’t like the idea of having any number of over-achieving clerks actually do your job for you? Plus, if it helps, you know, save the tax payers some money, I can bring my own robes – I’ve got a whole closet full of them.
For the record, I’m not a lawyer though I’ve been told I sort of look like one. (Personally, I don’t think Anthony Kennedy looks like a lawyer either, though John Roberts definitely does; to be honest, Justice Ginsburg just kind of creeps me out.) And I’m not a judge either, though I did sit through jury duty twice and was on a jury once, until I was physically removed by the bailiffs after the judge, a woman, told me for the fifth time not to put my pants on my head and sing “God Save the Queen” while the defendant’s attorney prepared his opening remarks. (What a bitch, that judge!) And even though I’m not a lawyer or a judge, basketball is definitely my favorite sport, because, as we all know, you don’t have to be a lawyer to love basketball.
Just so you know I’m not originally from Chicago but I’ve been to Chicago, and I have to say the ‘Windy City’ is one of my favorite cities in this great country of ours. I’d go back in a heartbeat I had such a great time. Except for the mugging. And while that ruptured spleen kept me in the hospital for several weeks so I didn’t actually get to see much of the city, I think it’s fair to say Chicago is my kind of town.
Speaking of towns, you could say that Washington, D.C. is like a second home so there is absolutely no way I’m going to get Souter-like and homesick. In fact, except for that one time at summer camp, I’ve never even been homesick. You could probably drop me out of a helicopter in some god forsaken place and, rest assured, I’d be probably end up as Mayor of Anywherevilleland in a matter of months, if not days. Why? Because I share the values that made this country great in the first place, plus I’ve got an awfully charming manner around very small children, dogs, and women who aren’t total bitches.
Family-wise, I’ve got two wonderful girls, just like you, and once that restraining order finally gets lifted, I’m looking forward to spending as much time with them as possible. The fact that they are not legally allowed to speak to me hasn’t kept them out my thoughts and prayers and when I do finally get to see them, I am going to get them a dog because, hell, I just love dogs! And not in that sort of nutty, perverted kind of way either.
If you’re worried about how I’ll stand up to the scrutiny of my confirmation hearings, let me attempt assuage those fears right now. Having endured five excruciating years married to that bitch who slept with my brother, stole all my money, slapped an injunction on my sorry ass, then divorced me, I think I can handle a bunch Senators no problemo. I’ll tell you one thing: I’m no Harriet Miers, copping out of the running before you’re even in the hot seat. Not me! They can come at me guns a-blazing because I’ve got nothing to hide, anyway.*
On a more serious note, I hope you don’t misconstrue this solicitation. I am not some sort of sycophant or patsy, a yes-man who will simply ‘do as they’re told’ in service to the King or, in this case, President. No, sir! In fact, if you’re looking for someone to simply treat the Constitution like a puppy treats a newspaper, then you got the wrong guy. However, if you want a moderate, liberal-minded gentleman and scholar who will faithfully, honorably, and with integrity interpret the laws of these United States with a humble eye towards the noble intentions of our founding forefathers, then let’s talk. (JK! Boy, I wish I could see the look on your face right now…)
Look, I’m trying to do you a favor here. If doing you a solid by making this the easiest decision you’ll ever make as President is a crime, then guilty as charged. If you want someone who will keep their mouth shut, I’ll make Clarence Thomas look like a regular Chatty Cathy in session. Who else are you going to get? Winston Churchill? Still dead by my count. Give me the nod and you won’t regret it. So tell those boys with the earbuds in the big black Yukon parked outside my house your search is over. I’m certainly ‘qualified’!
Future Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and Your Servant,
Paul Kriebel
P.S.: Roe v Who? Need I say more?
(* You can pardon a D.U.I., right?)
Care to comment?